Whatevah
I have an Asian friend with a brand new baby girl. Auntie Jan(e) is so going to teach her to do this.
Jane without an E
Because I'm not your average Jane
Archive for the category “freaks geeks lovers stalkers”
On Your 19th Birthday
Dear Drew,
Well, it’s a little unfathomable that today is your 19th birthday. Last year I reminisced about how much you have grown and gave you some advice that I am obligated to review based on the inner and outer struggles I have witnessed over the past year. I know you have the knowledge, skills, attitudes, and values necessary to succeed in all that you do as an adult, but you continue to face the emotional responsibilities of being an adult with child-like wonder. Oh, how I hope you grow to achieve, prosper, and participate in life as the mature young man I know you can be.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not second guess whether your dad and I did the right thing by agreeing to your decision to return to Colorado to live with your mother when you were a preteen. Last year I reminded you that “With great power comes great responsibility.” I encouraged you to channel your inner Peter Parker and never forget that you too have inner strength, conscience, balance, intelligence, and so much more. I continue to hope that maturity finds you quickly, and common sense arrives sooner than later to guide your decisions over the remainder of your life. While I struggle to find the words to say all of this to you personally, they come so easily when I write them here.
Know that I love you and will always be here for you.
Your Other Mother
Come Not Between the Psycho Hose Beast And Her Wrath
Dear Jan(e),
Utah has been lovely, but I have to scream now. Please pass me the chaperoning handbook. I have to smack some people’s children with it now. I have been cooped up in the hotel room most of the day with a nasty headache and a low-grade fever. It is staggering how many times heavy wooden doors can be slammed, herds of screaming teenagers gallop down hallways, and variations of ding dong ditch can be played on someone who knows voodoo and is not afraid to go there on your insolent asses!
Clarification: These are not children from my school. They know better. Muahahahahahhahahahahahaha.
Looking for my wire hanger,
Jan(e)
Letting Go
I feel that I must put this into writing without attacking or blaming. I hope you read it and realize how hurtful your words and actions can be. I am disappointed by the turn of events today. I did not expect or want our friendship to end this way. I recognize you likely do not realize your social ineptitude. I remained your friend despite the pain you inflicted upon others over and over and time and time again. I defended you to those who said I should let you go. I cared deeply for you and mistakenly thought you did for me as well. I take responsibility for trying to be creative and funny. I accept that you overreacted. I deserve to be surrounded by people who love and respect me for the person I am. I miss the person you used to be. I want no further confrontations. I release you from any sense of obligation you may have to remain a friend to me. I am moving on. I will take this event as a lesson learned. I will strive to be the change I wish to see in the world. I hope you find peace on this journey called life.
32 Days Later
This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Really, Monkey Boy? You graduated from the 29th best high school in America. There must have been some kind of mistake.
Can I talk to you about how relieved I am? After all the hassle, you finally earned the tassel. We did it. I mean, you did it. Yes, this means you are 100% on your own. Welcome to the jungle known as adulthood. First up, get a haircut and a job. Get yourself ready for an exciting future, including decades of student loan repayment.
All kidding aside, we are so proud of the man you are becoming and hope your dreams take you to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known.
How to Survive a Bar Fight
Not that a self-proclaimed wineaux like me would know anything about getting into a bar fight.
Monkey Boy (now 18 and apparently fearless) has proclaimed via status update that his new objective is to get into a bar fight. The pacifist in me is sobbing. The fighter in me wants to train and cheer him on. The stepmonster in me screams “Don’t you fucking dare!” The Other Mother in me says “Use your wits and common sense.” With the latter said, Monkey Boy should follow these tips for surviving the bar fight he will likely not be able to avoid.
1. Don’t throw the first punch. In fact, you should duck and cover and run like the wind if it appears you are about to be hit.
2. Don’t insult anyone. No amount of role playing games will be able to save your scrawny ass if you utter the right words to the wrong person.
3. Don’t make eye contact with any drunk, belligerent, oversized male (or his hot girlfriend who wants to dance with somebody).
4. Don’t drink. You are not legal yet, and there is no way in hell you are equipped to handle even a small amount of alcohol in my expert opinion.
5. Don’t get in anyone’s personal space. If you bump into anyone or step on anyone’s toes, remember your manners and say excuse me loud and clear.
If all else fails, here are a few suggestions.
1. Think before you react. Impulsivity has never been your strong suit.
2. Remain calm. Yelling, threatening, and criticizing have not worked for you with the ‘rents. Just saying.
3. Prepare. Maintain eye contact with your opponent and possibly the bartender and/or security as they will likely be the ones to safe your ass.
4. Be defensive not offensive. Blocking a punch is easier to explain to a district attorney than smashing a beer bottle over someone’s head.
5. Obtain employment. If you are drinking in a bar and get arrested for fighting, we will not come to your rescue, and you will have to call your mommy for bail money.
And, one more thing, change that ridiculous status update and join the real world. Act your age not your shoe size. It is okay to be yourself.
With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility
Dear Drew,
Wow! It’s your 18th birthday. I met you for the first time 15 years ago shortly after you turned three. Time surely does fly. It’s hard to believe that the sweet little boy with the biggest blue eyes and the most inquisitive little soul is now a man. As strange as that may seem to read, it is stranger still to write. In most parts of the world, you are now regarded as an adult; however, you will forever be my Monkey Boy. Your adoration of all things Spider-Man is one thing I will always associate with the younger you. Peter Parker’s words, “With great power comes great responsibility” is my advice for you as you begin your journey into adult hood. Channel your inner Peter and never forget that you too have the ability to cling to walls, superhuman strength, a sixth sense (“spider-sense”) that alerts you to danger, perfect balance and equilibrium, as well as superhuman speed and agility. While you are not a genius, you are highly intellectual and have the biggest heart of almost anyone I know. I hope maturity finds you quickly, and common sense guides your decisions over the coming year. I will always be here for you.
I love you to the sky and back again,
Your Other Mother
-
-
-
Jane without an E by Jane without an E is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at janewithoutane.com.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://janewithoutane.com.
